I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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