so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
