I think I won the penis lottery.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Are my feet made of real feet?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
