yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
