You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
