I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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