I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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