Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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