i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She even gives head with a lisp.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
