You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
