Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
