i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
