The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
