well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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