I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
