this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
