I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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