theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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