I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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