i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize