I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
