I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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