This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
