I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
