i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
someone owes me an orgasm
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
