I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
