I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize