Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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