I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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