There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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