actually, I'm a sock model
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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