I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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