I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
