I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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