Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
