I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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