His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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