Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
