How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
