im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
