Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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