all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
