So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
