What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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