Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
