i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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