I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
