You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
