Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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