if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize