Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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