Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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