If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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