I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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