Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
