did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize