i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
