bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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