i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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