i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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