96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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