well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
