im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
