Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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