and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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