Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
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