Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Someone shattered a urinal.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She needs sedatives and a leash
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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