You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
