It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I need to stop coming to work sober
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
