the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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