i think my mom watched the whole time
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
im holly from the hills drunk
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize