I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
